As another birthday approaches, and the weather turns cold, I find myself sitting in a puddle of reflection - what a year this has been. I have had countless failures and limited success. I have had some highs, but mostly found myself scraping the rocky bottom. This year of crap has left this self-loathing Jew with no shortage of material for my conversations in my head that beginning every night when I go to bed and continue from when I get up in the morning. And to top it off, I am actually still quite lucky - I am not lonely, I am in good health and however unfortunate I may feel, I am actually quite fortunate as I do not know true poverty - so you see, I can't even feel sorry for myself; I can only feel like I am a piece of shit.
Pulling myself out of this vortex every day is no small task. Thank god for coffee. Just the first cup, so good, starts me on my way. Time spent in the garden... That is always amazing. Especially when I am planting things or harvesting crops. Now there is a task that I can set out to complete and actually finish. I can stand back and reflect on my work, I can watch it grow, tend to it, and see the fruits of my labor. So many things in life leave me with the difficult task of determining if I actually accomplished what I set out to do and wondering did I do the best possible job I could do. Naturally, I take great pleasure in shredding myself to bits. Don't get me wrong, I am able to give myself credit for my accomplishments and I often brag about being always right to my husband (which he loves) but I still manage to find the poop in the panties when I lie in bed at night and reflect.
Working on Otis N' Dwayne has been an amazing departure from my usual masturbatory lifestyle. This is the first real collaboration I have worked on. What a treat it has been. How nice to work on something that is not all mine. I guess I am sort of a control freak, but that can't really be true when I take so much pleasure from working with other people, getting and giving input, watching something evolve from the inside and from an outside perspective as well.
I have screened the movie for small groups over the last few months. Some people really loved ON'D and others were baffled, some laughed out loud the whole time while others sat confused and distraught. But at the end of the day - here is the amazing part - I saw the glass as half full. I focus on the positive. After all, no one set out to make a movie that everyone will love. Otis N' Dwayne is meant for a certain someone who thinks it's the motherfucking shit, just like I did the first time I saw it and still do after watching it at least thirty times. ON'D is all-or-nothing take-it-or-leave-it. And I am drinking the Kool Aid.
So now, after I finish my long list of stupid fucking fuck-ups and tasks left unfinished and things I could have done better, I hum myself to sleep with the soundtrack of my perverted little movie that I love so much and I so grateful to be a part of.
Signing off, worrying that this is stupid and sappy and wondering if I should publish it at all...
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